Random Act of Kindness

I tell you a story of my life.

Many many years ago back in my high school years - I had a friend. Our friendship grew over time. There were good times and there were bad times. Times when we got told off by our teachers, sneaking out of a study tour to do our own sightseeing, hunting for good cheap food and going to the beach, the times when we're stressing up over exams and tests, the times when we told each other secrets. It was all good.

Not so long after the friendship built, he told me he wanted to leave. He wanted to ask for a transfer to another classroom where all of his friends were. He said he does not feel he fit in where he is now. I was mad. I was real mad. That was my first taste of disappointment. I told him I don't want him to leave. I asked him what the hell is wrong with my friends. I just dont get it. At last I reached my own conclusion that he never sees me as his friend anyway. What is the point of begging him to stay.

Over a course of several days he kept on telling me that he is going to go to the teacher and sk for the transfer. And for several days I asked him to re-consider. Until that day when I drawn my own conclusion. I was being mean and saying things that I don't mean. I said to him that he always talks and never walk the talk. "If you wanted to leave so badly, then do it."

Things have never been the same since. I was hurt. Apparently, he did too. We never spoken to each other since then until my last day at school before heading to New Zealand. There was regret, heartache and other unpleasant feelings. But unfortunately this is something that irreversible.

This is an old story. We're back in speaking terms again. But it's not the same. Time heals - but never forget. I should have learned from it. But, have I?

This post is dedicated to the many many thoughts I have and the urge to dump these on to a journal in the most unstructured way. With no order of importance

On Friendship
I had a very interesting discussion the other day with a best-friend of mine. I then realised why she is one of my best-friends, although time, space and little lack of communication in the past 6 years we still value everything about each other as ever. People come and go, but there are some rare people who will stick by you no matter what. You just need to hold on to these people.

On Family
Ah, this one has just gone completely out of control. The bottom of the story is that I need to know how to bridge inter-generation and inter-cultural gap? Or just simply bridging parents-child relationship. Parents, eh? Cant live with them, cant live without them.

On Home
Related to the thoughts above - the definition of home has become quite blurry to me. Home is where the heart is so they say. Where your family and friends are. Where you feel comfortable being 'at home'. Where would it be? Jakarta, Christchurch or Wellington? Ten years ago it was Jakarta. Four years ago it was Christchurch. Last year it was Wellington. Now? I cannot see myself living in these cities in the near future, for one reason or another. Weird, huh? Leading a nomad-life my Mum would say. Well, so be it.

On History Repeats Itself
Sometimes you wished that you foresee situations in your dream so that you can do it differently in real life and make things right. Everything that's going on right at the moment in my life is a repeat of the same thing 6 years ago. I dont' know what or how but it is actually happening. Different place, different names of course but all the same. Is it any easier? No, it's not. It is heart-breaking to see the same ego and childish attitude took over and ruin pretty much everything. It's making me all mellow and homesick. :'(

A-hah.. I'm on blogging spree lately. The year 2006, 2007 (and now, the beginning of 2008) felt like an exponential learning curve for me. Everyday, there is always new things to learn in life, to experience, and to feel. Which is great! But I have not taken enough time to reflect on these experiences. The learning points of it all have not truly sink in and I have not truly appreciated it. Which is a shame.

I read my old old old blog entries the other day. The days of old when freedom of speech was quite literal and know no boundaries. I realised that there are some things of me that have changed over time and some are still the same. Thanks to the good, bad and ugly of life in the past few years, yea. Then on the other side, there are things that still the same. It's funny to see how much you grow as a person but yet you are still the same person deep inside - if you know what I mean?

I have been contemplating on taking some "time off life". It has always been a constant on-the-go for the past few years where "What next?" is a seasonal question. A real time off would do one good, it is time for reflection, it is time to figure out life, to re-prioritise and re-energise. The flipside of it is while you are taking time off - the world doesn't stop revolving. The opportunities, the experience, the people and many many other things.

So... what next, eh?

Well, we should save this discussion for another time.

He is an old friend of mine. The kind of friend who you never made the effort to keep in touch with but the friendship never really fades and you quickly pick things up where you left off. He is the kind of person that I have that love-hate relationship with. In the sense that you hate him when he picks on you but you do respect him when he's being a good listener.

His Dad passed away near the end of last year. I don't know too much about his family but he became the head of the family every so instantly. He takes care of his Mum, work and finishing Uni all at the same time. Being the father of the house pretty much.

He told me all these today. It made me feel ashamed of myself. I laughed as I realised how silly I have become. Dwelling over practically nothing compare to what he has to go through. I thought he doesnt know anything about getting through and I have had enough of people telling me cliches. I was so wrong. He knows more than I do about handling "difficult times". He said, "I may not know what exactly that you have to go through, but I'm sure that you can get through it."

For that. I thank you.

I was just flicking through old old pictures. I saw many familiar but distant faces all around - people who come and go in AIESEC. People who I trusted, had a lot of faith in ... but ended up disappointed me in many ways! Why are there so many people that I have had history as such? Why can't one or two be enough?

The one reason why it always happen is because I believe that once people realised the urgency of what needs to be done/what they have done wrong and need to sort out - they will change. Many times though, they ended up don't.

Second chance. Believe. Having faith in your team. Support. Fairness. Whatever you want to call it. It might sounds good and well - but as like everything, too much of a good thing is not good. This is one thing that I learned the hard way throughout my AIESEC learning life. (Although the good people around me, got me through the tough times. :)

To close this blog entry - I found a hilarious picture from this website.


Have a good one!

In my life I have received different kind of news. Good news, bad news, sad news, happy news. All sorts. One thing that I observe quite interestingly is how people break the news that they are in a relationship (or not anymore, for that matter).

Some keep it quiet until someone else asks suspiciously, some tried to bring it up indirectly but never ever proclaimed it directly. Again, all of these are relative to personality, the intensity of the relationship itself and the role you play in one's life.

The tricky part is when you are not important enough for them to tell you directly but on the other side you are important enough for them to update you with their "general update in life". I have had a few occasions like this. This happens mostly with male - probably this is because of their inability to express their feelings and trying to maintain their cool, calm and collected -ness. Yes, yes, some of you might disagree with me :)

Many times they tried to hint it in the conversation that they have a 'news'. I guess, those who knows me very well know that if you were talking to me - hinting doesn't really work :) Most of the times, if I am comfortable enough with that person I would ask for clarification, "What are you trying to say?" If I'm not - well then, the poor soul needs to find another way to tell.

I think, the funniest and most extraordinary and I am sure never would be ever repeated again was when a classmate of mine - a long long time ago- when we were around 15- told me that he is going out with my cousin. (Thank God these people aren't reading my blog! Sheesh!). He went, "Nikita - guess what? I'm going out with your cousin." Yes, I just wish more of my friends were like him (only subtler of course. we are not 15 anymore) - no more guesswork!

Why do I even post useless rants like this? - I wonder.